This is my first line for Brenda Drake's contest:
Name: David F. Weisman
Title: Absorption
Genre: Science Fiction
At rest, the young girl's eyes looked identical, but when she glanced around the room, the left had trouble keeping up with the right.
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Right with the first line you made me feel compassion for the girl, yet added a flair of humor to the sentence. A really fine first line. Thanks for the kind words about mine on my blog. Have a great Tuesday -- Monday's just about done in
ReplyDeleteMakes me wonder... and I would keep reading. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI loved this. Great hook. My only suggestion is to replace 'at rest' with something more like 'at first glance'. At rest does indicate the eyes here, but it takes a little thought to draw that conclusion.
ReplyDeleteI like it, but wonder if it could be tightened up a bit. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteInteresting opener. I agree with Loralie about swapping "At rest" for "At first glance".
ReplyDeleteI think Margo is right. It's a good hook but could use some tightening.
ReplyDeletebethfed.com
I wanted to do return critiques for everyone kind enough to critique me, but it wasn't easy. Loralie, if you want to hide your profile, maybe let your name link to your blog. I found you with Google though. The same for J.C. Martin, though I was almost fooled by the profile link to the blank blog, I googled the real one. Sorry Beth, there are too many first names to google, and since your profile is unavailable ...
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